Somebody’s Story is an acknowledgement that each speaker of the “Me, Too” movement represents Somebody’s Story. My Blog, “Me, Too” is a brief poem adding my thoughts to the movement. Actually, this entire Blog has been a form of “Me, Too” statement as I have described various stages of living with learning differences, complicated by childhood sexual abuse. It is sad that this holiday season is being over-taken by so much negativity on the subject, but honestly, it is better now than never.
My last Blog, “Headline: Sexual Abuse Pornography Connection,” revealed new research tying pornography use with sexual abusers. Though sad to read, the evidence, at least what was reported in those two reports, are too much to ignore. And, to me, they make sense when put together with my own story. Now, I want to add my story of childhood sexual abuse to further explain permanent damage throughout my life.
Somebody’s Story, Pedophillia
Movies, novels, television and more have released versions of what writers think represents the story of Pedophillia. I have noticed all the stories focus more on the abuser than the victim. Is that because there are no willing victims, now adults, willing to tell their stories, or have we just not tried to find those stories? Has no one made the connection, sought the evidence, searched for the Voice of a Victim? Or, are the victims not aware they have a story to tell more powerful than any piece of media, research analysis or government statistics currently available? I choose the latter.
Somebody’s Story, Mine
Ever since giving birth at age forty-two, my body and mind have been in turmoil. First came the revelations of my sexual abuse in fits and bursts of memory. Then my body began raging and conspiring with my emotions in such huge blow-ups I literally thought I was losing my mind. Hormones from post pregnancy combined with those of Perimenopause, we now know are a recipe for disaster—but no one, in any medical field had yet to make the connection. Apparently, I was one of the first older moms, soon to become more common of celebrities and others who chose to give birth in their forties. Along with the hormonal battles consuming our bodies, those of us also remembering childhood sexual abuse were on the precipice of more serious cliff-hanger: psychological damage from those abuses.
I have given multiple Blog descriptions of the dysfunctional family, multiple careers and marriages as a result of my learning differences. I have also described how much of that lead me eventually to my present, thirty-five-year marriage. And, I have shared how this marriage to a known abuser and user of pornography matched the research in my former Blog. What I have not revealed, however, how permanently damaged is am because of that childhood sexual abuse.
Upon reaching our senior years, many biological changes end up being a kind of blessing to the pain infidelity brings to a marriage. A serial womanizer is suddenly faced something that brings a stop to the philandering with a health scare they rarely consider: high blood pressure. The stress from living a complicated, deceitful life, followed by medicine to correct the HBP, removes any desire or ability to have sex. Call it whatever you like, but the diagnosis and medicine took away the elephant in our marriage: the inability of my husband to remain faithful and the drama of his double life – in one fell swoop – gone. Next chapter . . .
With the tension from such a dramatic double life removed from our marriage, our life settled into one of peace and quiet, eventually, as my husband grew to accept he was no longer the rooster in the hen house of every place he worked. No longer able to seduce, emotionally or physically, he had to finally accept things as they were, so depression brought on a form of atrial fibrillation (a-fib) primarily from anxiety of facing old age. But, sadly, doctors today just love to prescribe medicine for any known “senior” disease, especially if you have good insurance. Thus, he received a diagnosis of A-Fib and highly dangerous medicine.
Somebody’s Story, Permanent Damage
I should have known something was seriously changing within me when a yearly physical exam with my OB-GYN turned into psychological meltdowns. True, this was also when the battle of the hormones was raging, but again, I was too new to the “older mother” phenomenon to be easily diagnosed. I have only recently realized, because of the “Me, Too” movement, how My Story is still evolving. My childhood sexual abuse has slapped me with a permanent scar I believe will never heal: the inability to let someone touch me. I can hug, and regularly do, my son and others I consider safe. But I cannot and will never be able to have:
- A Massage
- A Medical Physical Exam (except head or feet)
- Any touch to my body between my shoulders and my ankles.
I can no longer go to a doctor, ever. I realize this sounds so extreme. I am sure you are questioning what I am writing. I have, however, come to a better place, at once giving me peace and a supreme feeling of control over my body never before experienced.
Somebody’s Story: Revolution
I have been a vegetarian for over twelve years. I have also focused on a life of wellness I never knew existed, easily absorbing everything because now I am in control of my body. I know how to stay well, build muscle, improve my ability to absorb stress, and improve my sleep. In the process, I have seen improvement in the quality of my skin and complexion, the strength of my hair and the permanent loss of excess weight through healthy, meaningful eating.
My Story is one of survival. Will I ever be able to go to a doctor, have a physical examination? Absolutely not. But the real question here is: will I ever need to? Absolutely not! Will I ever get one of those expensive massages at a trendy spa? Why would I? To me, the time and money are both better spent on whole foods and healthy preparation! So, stay tuned as this Blog adds Wellness to our reporting. We hope you will find beneficial, entertaining and life-changing information in the messages we share.
“Risk! Risk anything!
Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices.
Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself.
Face the truth.”
Currently Reading: A Good Life, by Ben Bradlee.
(Please Note: As an Affiliate for Amazon, I receive a small commission if you choose to purchase this book through my Blog. There is no added cost to you, and I thank you for your consideration. Linda)